in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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