I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
