Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
