i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
