you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
