My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
