I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
