My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
