If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
