If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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