I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
