I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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