My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
