You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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