Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
