yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
