ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
