why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
