You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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