I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize