I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
