My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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