I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
