It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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