I'm passing your future prison.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
