Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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