Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
