I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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