Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found the puke drawer
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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