I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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