ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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