I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
