I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
