The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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