Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
