I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
