I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
