It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
