Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
two words: eviction party
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
