i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
