i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
