I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
