oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
