So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
