So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
