i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
