Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
