I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
