Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
