wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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