Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
