dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
