I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
