We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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