im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
