Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
