i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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