Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
