Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You pole danced in your parka.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
