Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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