I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
