I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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