So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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