I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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