Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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